What Is Holding Me Back From Being Who I Want To Be?
So I’m rewriting this again. This time it’s going to be real. I’m literally writing this as if it’s not even going to be published on here because every time I think of someone reading it I get so uncomfortable and start worrying about making sure it all sounds perfect.
This post isn’t about being perfect; in fact it’s the complete opposite. I need to write this without thinking too much about the words I’m using or wondering what people will think about me after reading. So my aim is to just pour out my thoughts onto the page and that’s it.
I’ve been avoiding writing about this topic because I’m literally just spilling out my unhealthy characteristics which wasn’t easy for sure. I also had to take numerous breaks because it was just too much to consciously think about some of my biggest pitfalls. I had already written this post for the most part but when I read it back there was something not quite right about it and it felt very unnatural. I wasn’t being completely honest but instead I was thinking more about what sounded good and what people would want to read. I’d type something out only to hit backspace again and again, deleting what I really wanted to say. Anyway, here’s to take number 257 and hopefully this is the one that gets published on my blog.
So what’s really holding me back?
- I LIVE IN MY MIND-
I’m someone that always looks inward which means I’m very self-conscious. Being introspective is awesome but when taken too far I start to over analyse the little things. It’s what I’m good at; trying to figure out why things happened a certain way, whether I said the right thing when I was talking to that person and worrying if I offended someone. Nothing is ever simple in my mind and it’s exhausting. So much of my mental capacity is given to useless worry, doubt and over thinking.
My brain never switches off and you’ll probably find me day-dreaming most of the time. You could be having a full on conversation with me and I’ll be staring at you straight in the face but not hear a single word…sorryyyyy 🙁 This is the result of me usually being in my imagination as I spend a lot of time in my own thoughts thinking up all sorts of made up scenarios that haven’t actually happened. A lot of the time I catch myself believing my thoughts to be true and start to feel some type of way over how things played out in my mind. It sounds ridiculous, I know!
Logical advice I give to others but need to follow myself…
I have the power to control my thoughts and decide which ones to dismiss and which ones to engage with. We have thousands of thoughts a day and not all of them are significant. Most of the time our thoughts aren’t even reality they are just made up situations. I have this annoying voice in the back of my head that’s just always talking meaningless nonsense so I’m trying to get into a new habit of decluttering what goes on in my mind. Rather than living in my thoughts I need to start being more present and take action in the real world. I have already found focusing on the present moment to be so relieving. The good thing about me is that I’m able to identify when I’m overthinking. It takes consistency to start a new habit and since I can already recognize when I’m falling into the over thinking I’m already a step ahead.
- I AM A PERFECTIONIST-
I hold myself up to almost unattainably high standards and nothing is ever good enough. I really appreciate when people acknowledge my work but even then I find it hard to accept and try to deflect the compliments as if I should be ashamed of being good at something. If I believe the quality of what I do isn’t the best it could be, I’ll just feel like a failure.
On another level, being a perfectionist affects my social interactions, I’m always trying to be the best version of myself for other people and try to put on a perfect persona. I try to become who people want me to be and live up to their idea of who they think I am. I’m still very judgmental towards myself and constantly striving for something I can’t reach which leaves me feeling inadequate. I’m so afraid of making mistakes which holds me back from being who I really am and that results in missed opportunities.
I’m always down to trying new things but my anxiety increases because I create all of these expectations for myself and instead of just enjoying the process of learning, I get caught up by the idea of having to “succeed” at whatever it is I attempt. I actually briefly touched on this topic in my “perfectionism and procrastination” post which you can read here! http://leahrene.co.uk/perfectionism-and-procrastination/
More advice I tell myself that I should really start following…
Be kinder to myself and accept where I’m at, my flaws included and embrace mistakes. Slipping up is how we grow and if I’m not making mistakes then I’m not learning anything new. Practice self- acceptance, trust myself more and don’t take everything so seriously!!
If someone praises you then just say thank you and own it. Love who you are right now but enjoy the fact that every day you have the chance to start becoming whoever you want to be.
- I’M EXTREMELY PRIVATE
I’m withdrawn and I avoid opening up to people. I actually feel emotions on a very deep level but something about people getting to know the vulnerable side to me makes me uneasy- my poker face goes unmatched. I would hate to feel pitied in any way and definitely don’t want to talk about my problems when there are more complex issues going on in the world. Everyone should have someone they can be upfront with and I already know that I have people in my life that are there to listen to me but it’s just my insecurities that makes me put up walls even to those I’m closest with. I don’t want my feelings to be a burden to others, so I keep it all inside.
How I’m handling this…
Sharing ideas and discussing certain subjects on my blog definitely helps and the more I post the more comfortable I become with it.
It’s not even about everyone knowing everything about me or my personal business but being able to identify the people I’m close with, even if it’s just one person, and start by opening myself up to them in small ways.
Everyone is dealing with their own problems and nobody has it all together so chances are they may be dealing with similar issues that we are also going through. I think it’s important to allow ourselves to feel and experience these negative feelings rather than pretending they don’t exist.
- I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE-
Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by everything I want to achieve and accomplish. I can’t help but jump from one idea to another and because my interests are so varied I continue to get captured by something else that caught my attention. I get distracted by too many things and find it hard to just focus on a handful of my goals and pay close attention to them.
I have all these ideas but no idea where to start; so I end up doing nothing and procrastinating a huge deal.
Last bit of advice from me to me…
The whole point is that I don’t have to take on everything all at once. I need to focus on just a couple of my interests instead of expending my efforts across multiple others and stay consistent with whatever it is I’m working on.
We’re our own worst enemies and the first step to stop holding ourselves back is to identify and admit to our downfalls.
If you relate to any of this and have some of your own tips, I would love to hear so please feel free to share them in the comment section!
Thanks for stopping by,